– 6:59 pm

We’ve had you for a week. It’s gone quick. Blimey! You were 4.025kg when you came out. As expected, you lost a bit of weight in the days that followed, but it was way under the worrying limit, a 6% weight loss to 3.780kg. Today, however, when Cath the nurse came round to scale you, you weighed in at exactly 4.000kg. So your numbers are up in record time, less than the usual two weeks. Her message was, “whatever you guys are doing, keep doing it”.

I must admit, the number is unsurprising. You can currently eat a small elephant in one seating. I knew from day one, 20ml of milk wouldn’t do shit to you but make you mad, which it currently does. You get all “stop fucking around with me”. So you’ve quickly graduated to big boy meals. Enjoy!

PS – Your grandparents will be here tomorrow.