– 5:55 pm | Thursday, Jan 11 2024
I don’t remember who your mother said she spoke to, but we bought you a convertible learning tower on their recommendation. I love it both in theory and practice. In two gestures it goes from a sitting desk to a tower which puts you above the kitchen counter. Gone are the days of you whinging in a face-up chair pose asking to be carried so you can see what’s cooking. Now you can help cook. It’s a great piece of kit.
I think a lot about ways I can raise you, free of stress, anxiety or trauma. Your mother does too. I figure the best way to go about it is to educate ourselves on the subject. We live in the information era. If you have a question, chances are you’re not the only one and someone already has an answer or two.
The answer in this instance is Dr Gabor Maté and his book, The Myth of Normal. I’m learning a lot about the oneness of the mind and body – the mindbody. I am only a few chapters in and reading about epigenetics. You are you based on what’s happening inside and outside, ‘man’ and his environment. Those are great guiding principles. Instinctively, innately, they’ve always been mine but it’s interesting to hear someone emphasise them in a way that is so well structured and easy to consume. So if there’s anything to take from this entire journal, take those with you. Your milieu has a heavy hand in who you are. And now more than ever, our culture has become a toxic one.
I also listened to his interview on Joe Rogan’s podcast where (among other things) he shed some insightful views on trauma. “It’s impossible to love a kid too much“. That statement stayed with me. Now I know that letting you cry in a crib so you can learn to sleep alone is bullshit unnecessary. Gosh, how traumatizing that must be! Don’t worry, you can carry on sleeping with us until you’re ready to try it on your own. And when you cry, we’ll pick you up and console you (til you have a better understanding of the shitshow that is this world). Besides, you’ve already outgrown a lot of the habits we considered an inconvenience without push or shove. All we did was give you time.
We may as well talk about it since I brought it up. You’re going through another bout with insomnia. You’re so fussy and fidgety to the point where we’re back to taking shifts. With life and work, it’s unsustainable to have two sleep-deprived parents. It’s now 10:35 pm (Jan 13) and you are (hopefully) asleep with your mother upstairs. I’ll be on the sofabed once I’m done here. You’ve had a runny nose since yesterday to compound matters. The next few days are going to be t o u g h. With some luck, it’s days and not weeks. The Olbas oils and every other med on the bedside table better work.
We suspect you picked it up from the baby gym you attend thrice weekly. It has to be. Running around with all those other kids carrying God knows what with them. It’s great for your immunity but sucks for your carers. We can’t stop you from going either now because you love it that much. It’s great exercise in a “safe” – I’m rolling my eyes – place and you get to evolve your social skills. Fuck me, it also costs as much as my adult gym membership (albeit discounted). £70 per month for a seventeen-month-old child. WTF are we doing!?
Liza and your babushka took you to see Maalouf earlier this month, the day you turned seventeen months old. A check-up made sense after your little trip to A&E.
I thought maybe your growth spurt had levelled up and you were becoming more… regular. Nope! You are still heavier and taller than 90% of kids your age in the UK.
To be honest, these metrics don’t do anything to me. I’ll do anything to keep you healthy, smiling and laughing. That’s all I care about. And so far your mother and I are doing a great job at it. We’re trying anyway.
You’re also advancing into territories that are new to us. The kicking, biting and hitting have also come early. Liza is struggling with it. She’s so far been the unlucky beneficiary of this communication style. (You seldom do it to me). She thinks you’re being unfriendly and unkind. As fate would have it though, I got and forwarded a timely email from Lovevery with an article on the topic.
Because they can’t yet express all of their emotions, especially in the heat of the moment, sometimes these big feelings come out with a kick or a bite.
Your brain is just underdeveloped. This isn’t hate or spite. It’s everything but. I don’t know how many times you say “mama” daily but I’m sure it’ll break any counter. We had a chat and hopefully, it sunk in and settled your mother. You love her more than anything in the world.
Speaking of mothers, today is the day I lost mine a few years ago. It’s so hard to imagine it’s been years. I don’t even keep count because it hurts that much. My body has an odd way of reminding me in the build-up (to today). During my last shift with you, I thought of her a lot. Cried a lot. This was earlier in the week. I woke up heavier than I feel today. Lyn has tried calling me. She does the same day every year and I never answer. The irony of that is that the broken communication is communication in the end and we understand and love each other all the same. My way is to be evasive and avoid anything and everything to do with it today. WhatsApp is full of texts, photos and videos which I’ve been avoiding all day.
Instead, we spent the entire day at the Priory Farm with you, Liza and your grandmother. Your grandad couldn’t come because he was recovering from the night before trying to get you to sleep. It was a cold but great day to remember your grandmother. She would’ve loved sharing your first experience with a guinea fowl. I miss her a tonne.
We also started showing you little snippets of Sir David Attenborough’s Planet Earth. Liza and I have never seen you so animated for so long, gesturing and mimicking all the animal sounds. You looked so happy. We got so much joy from that. Thank you. Long may it continue.
Oh and by the way, happy New Year kiddo!
