Crabs in a bucket

Posted on December 10, 2022December 10, 2022 by Kilian Ateh

– 9:11 am

Zeddie visited last week Sunday, driving all the way from Birmingham. Long drive that. She’s so full of soul and giving. From what I gather (and it’s pretty shallow telling), Liza helped put her on the career path she’s now on through skilling, connection or both. But what they are today goes beyond that. They are the selflessness that exists between them.

I don’t remember what the prompt was but a few days ago, Thursday evening I believe, I decided to put you in a bucket. We may have both needed our hands at the time and I thought, “fuck’it, let’s try the laundry bucket”. I threw in a few toys and voila, you self-entertained for a while, trying endlessly to swallow everything.

Your mother took you to Maalouf yesterday. I couldn’t go with work commitments, not for a routine check-up anyway. The feedback is, you’re still very much in the heavyweight class at 7.9kg (probably 10 after this morning’s feast), 66cm long with a head size in the upper 95% of babies your age. So yeah, you have a big head alright (which somehow isn’t disproportionate to the rest of your body).

Rather unsurprisingly, Dr Maalouf said your neck is still a bit wobbly (trying to steady your head). So he suggested doubling the tummy time and supported sitting with toys in front of you to help develop your spine – hello bucket!

But I think I found one better. Among Kim‘s donations is the Bumbo floor seat. I’ve already put you back to bed but we’ll try it later.

Interestingly, I sat you up for a bit after your breakfast and noticed you didn’t spit out anything during the transition back to bed. I wish I knew gravity could assist in such a way. The carpet on the stairs could do without some of the returned milk stains. Not all, just some. The others are for posterity.

We also don’t have to sterilise bottles anymore. Oh, the joy Liza must have felt hearing that. She has to wash them every single fucking evening. It’s only a step up from watching paint dry I tell ya. So out goes the steriliser and in comes the drying rack. I hope for your sake you’re ready to dabble with tap water ’cause here come the germs. Good luck! And God bless!

Given your size and how much you eat, we can start you on solids at five months. Hell, I might even mash something for you to try today. Let’s give your digestive system a challenge, shall we? Looks like you’re a go after four months anyway.

Eczema on your arms and legs is fading. Maalouf said not to sweat it regardless. But it looks like the Aveeno baby cream is working wonders. You’re also not teething, despite what we thought.

PS – I don’t know if you’ve seen your face lately but you look like a Viking returning from war. You’re using your nails to fight the wrong enemy son. Liza bought an electric nail file to try.

Christmas on a plane

Posted on December 26, 2022December 26, 2022 by Kilian Ateh

– 3:43 pm

We flew into Riga late last night. Your mother and I were mentally prepared for you to have an abnormal reaction to being on a plane for the first time, dealing with that noise and sensation. There are helpful tips on this website for flying with a baby. But you went about it like business as usual. I saw on Reddit to feed you during takeoff and landing so your ears pop but those events were a breeze, free of tears or drama. You slept and ate like any typical day. Honestly, I was surprised and it’s fast becoming a theme. I don’t know where you get the chill from. (From me I’m told). But long may it continue. As a four-month-old baby, I have no expectations of you but it’s a relief for the parents when you’re unexpectedly this considerate and well-mannered.

It was a first for us trying out the long-stay car park at Gatwick. We hauled all 57 bags onto the shuttle bus servicing the airport. I had to run back from the first stop to the car to get my phone as I forgot it in a frenzy trying to make the bus. It was a great test for my leg and knee running that fast with a ten-kilo backpack which I really should’ve left with you and Liza on the bus. Glad to report, I passed the test.

It was minus five when we landed. Your grandparents met us at the airport with a Car Guru. Liza and I stayed back and took a Bolt cab while you went ahead with most of our luggage.

I never get tired of the fresh air that hits my lungs whenever I come out of the Riga airport. It makes our departure area feel so polluted. The contrast is stark. And so with great pleasure, I let that ice-cold air hit every corner of my anatomy.

You had a torrid time settling into your new environment. Despite the frequent virtual exchanges with Julia and Valerie, you yelled hysterically every time they tried carrying you. It went on repeatedly all evening and every time, Liza or I had to intercede to calm you back down. That was the first time I’ve ever seen you be picky with people. It was so bizarre and uncharacteristic of you. But very understandable.

In hindsight, perhaps they were a bit over-elaborate in demonstrating their joy and excitement. Valerie especially. I can see how overwhelming it all was. A bit much I would agree. Your grandfather is forcefully loving. He’s very loud with it. Your grandmother is very space aware. She just let you be after the first clash.

You’re a lot calmer today, and way more accepting of the change. But I never heard you cry this much in such a short elapse of time.

It was also the first handshake between you and Uncle Andrew. He’s a chain smoker and likes a drink but in spite of all that, he hasn’t aged one minute. How can he though? He lives by the sea, a stone’s throw from a crowd of hundred-meter-high trees where he picks mushrooms from the forest floor as a hobby. No smoke can cloud his lungs. The air he breathes is grade fucking A. He’d be dead in London. He’s also never travelled out of Latvia, never. No need he says. The furthest he’s been is fishing. He’s quite the (gun collecting) character and I love him without understanding a word he says.

You’re probably wondering how you got on a plane without a complete those of vaccines. You’ve had them all now. Your mother took you in solo for them. I couldn’t make it. But unlike last time, we didn’t fuck about not giving you Calpol. You’ve got a taste for things sweet now so administering the dose was a lot easier.

More sass

Posted on January 7, 2023January 7, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 8:07 am

You were five months when we flew out of Riga on Wednesday. I went back to some of your earlier pictures and my word you’ve changed! Lookswise, you are a completely different person. You have more or less the same (evolving) personality but look more like Michael Jackson post-transformation.

Unfortunately, you developed a nasty cough and cold leading up to our departure. Those minus temperatures can be extremely harsh. So Liza and I have been struggling with you, doing our very best to alleviate your suffering. I’m sincerely surprised by how much pain I feel watching you cry from so much discomfort. Maybe it’s amplified because I know, by contrast, you are an extremely happy child, always laughing and smiling. And somehow, between the crackling cough and runny nose, you still dig deep enough to bring out your true self. I applaud you young man. Your father applauds you.

Oh, by the way, your mother and I now have the same chesty cough. My lungs want to come out every time I open my mouth. So thanks for that. But at least now we know how you feel. Also, administering your medication has been a pain. You fucking hate it. So I just bought this little thing to try out tomorrow.

You also have swollen gums so you’re probably teething. That’ll explain the at times incessant fretting, gnawing at anything and everything, unreal amounts of dribble and constant rubbing of the face. You’re going through the motions for sure.

I’ve been experimenting with your food for some time, not frequently but occasionally. Whether it’s bits of papaya or a wild fruit of some kind. You had juice from a granadilla once. I didn’t even know that’s what it was called. I googled “fruit that looks like a passion fruit” to find out. Your mother never stopped me but she always gave me the side-eye. But I’m just expanding your palette. I tried your Aptamil. It tastes like shit quite frankly. You’re an African, you must understand the range and variety of all things food. Besides, you didn’t complain once and seemed to enjoy exploring these new lands. Admittedly, just because you accept it doesn’t mean it’s good for you so I was very very careful. I also don’t know if you have any allergies.

And speaking of food, your mother bought a “how to wean your baby“. It’s very much like her, to buy a hardcover. Looking at our Amazon orders, she also has a “What, when and how to feed” on the way. I feel like for this I would break character and go in blind, giving you the closest thing edible. I was raised this way. That was a long time ago though and I am welcoming of structure and new information.

Right. I’m going to get out of your hair now. Every soft tissue in my body hurts. It’s like I’ve been badly beaten but no one believes me because they can’t see the bruises.

Thursday evening was the first time I went back to playing football since my injury. I don’t remember any nerves, just a strong desire to get the “look who’s back” comments out of the way. Everyone was great and welcoming, more worried than I was. No one would tackle me. Thank fuck for that.

I came out of that training session unscathed and grateful. My knee was (and is still) killing me though. I’d been running at less than fifty percent speed midway through but decided to push through the pain. I found a new limit to gradually exceed.

Good thing I had a sports bath that evening with magnesium flakes to help soothe my muscles. I’d be in a wheelchair otherwise. But yes, I definitely got that post-first game back feeling, with aches and pains all over. You can’t see it, but it’s there and I feel it.

Picking up from the last sass post…

This day today

Posted on January 13, 2023January 15, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 3:38 pm

Lyn is calling me… I know the conversation she wants (and has) to have but I can’t handle it now so I won’t answer. I’ll message her later.

Two years ago, your grandmother passed away. I thought it’d been twelve months, at most. Thinking about it, in retrospect, that’s clearly impossible with everything that has happened in between. But somehow it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. Where the time went I have no idea. It sure waits for no one. Nevertheless, nothing’s changed. I know the pain and handle it a lot better. What I still feel is her absence, in full effect.

These text messages I’m getting are triggering me, so I’m ignoring them for the time being. The only way I can hold it together is not to engage. Liza asked how I was doing and I said I couldn’t talk about it. I have to manage today in my own way, in a way that is a preservation of self.

One thing I know for sure though is my mother loved celebrating life. Whenever she could, she would.

This is a picture of you I took earlier today. Smiles and laughter to us were a celebration of life.

Every time I reminisced about happier times, I had my teeth on display and belly cramps, nearly choking at something funny. This photo is that. Your grandmother was the same. She’d laugh herself to tears.

When you lose the person most dear to you, you become numb and immune to a lot of things. Very little can kill you. Since she passed, I’ve become very comfortable with death. I don’t fear it, or anyone for that matter. My love for you is now the only thing that could possibly kill me. Nothing else really matters to that degree. I hope I can show you enough of it to help you succeed in life.

PS – You should know what I feel for you is weightless compared to that of your mother. It’s incomparable. I couldn’t save her if something ever happened to you. She couldn’t save herself.

Winter on the beach

Posted on January 15, 2023January 15, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 8:41 am

We’ve hung out a little bit this morning since you woke up. You’ve just been fed and diaper-changed. I can hear you in the living room mumbling and talking away doing the happy baby. The obsession with your feet hasn’t dwindled a bit. Not yet. You are also certainly more aware of your surroundings and have a quickly-evolving personality. The sounds you make are a bit more complex now. Those have changed for sure. Your vocabulary is expanding.

You’ve met Ginta and Kostia before, several times now. I inherited their friendship from your mother. We went to theirs for waffles and tea yesterday. Despite the loud chatter, you slept for three-quarters of it, only waking up towards the end to eat and chill. Your timing was spot on.

I noticed Liza was teary-eyed when changing you later that evening back at home. She was sad at the thought of going back to work and not spending as much time with you. I reassured her you’d be 5mins away with your grandparents, whom we’re moving from Latvia to help with childcare. It costs less to rent than to pay for a nanny. Besides, who else would give you more love than your willing grandparents? It’ll also make us quite flexible and not as time-strict as with a random helper. Everybody wins. It was a no-brainer in the end. But that’s only the logical side of it, emotionally, she’s upset. I understand her. “I didn’t think it’ll be this difficult” are her words. She’s still asleep but I’m just sending her this article to read and hopefully get something valuable out of it.

We visited the beach in Jurmala while in Latvia. I managed to get some drone footage with the Mavic 3 Cine. That’s you in the stroller in the opening scenes. It’s also quite possibly the day you caught a cold.

PS – We’re going to start feeding you solids from today…

WTF are you feeding me!?

Posted on January 19, 2023January 19, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 9:05 am

Right. Your weaning process has kicked off. We’re using the first 30 days from “how to wean your baby“ as a guide. So on Sunday, we gave you some steamed broccoli. I honestly cannot watch this video without bursting.

^{Seriously? You people eat this shit?}

Since then you’ve had courgettes and yesterday, avocado. The avo went down a bit better but your overall attitude towards solid food is “Fuck that!”.

I sent the video to your uncle T and he replied with an audio clip. His laughter is super addictive. I’ve replayed this so many times.

You’re still licking and chewing everything, and I do mean everything. Carton boxes are no exception.

Liza’s colleague Jelena – I think that’s how you spell her name – was here for a couple of days. She left this morning. When we visited Rovinj in Croatia, she gave us what turned out to be a great list of where to eat. It’s been the best food I ever had alive. From honestly priced, modest to expensive, everything was… woof! Most restaurants there only cook with local produce so it’s all super fresh. At least that was the case at the ones we visited. And your food is only as good as your ingredients.

The only other place that comes close from recent memory is Chiltern Firehouse. But it’s not cheap. We went there for Rozalia’s birthday. You were tiny then.

Anyway, she’s here for work and has been Liza’s maternity cover. They’ve both gone into the office for meetings. I think yesterday was the first time your mother has been away from you for that long. She did not like it at all.

Sorting out childcare

Posted on February 1, 2023February 1, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 8:11 am

It’s been a busy couple of weeks, for your mother especially. From what we’ve worked out, the cost of childcare in our area is more or less equivalent to renting a two-bedroom flat. Nurseries are making a killing. The average childcare costs in the UK are… Wow! I don’t know how families are balancing this act.

So we decided to rent a two-bed instead… And move your grandparents closer to us. They’re super thrilled and very much looking forward to raising and spending more time with you. It beats putting you in the hands of strangers that’s for sure. Not only strangers but strangers on a clock. Our approach makes us way more flexible, especially with Liza’s working hours. Everyone wins.

Besides, it’s culture for us. Liza was raised by her grandparents and I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandmother. So the cycle is repeating itself with you.

For the most part, Liza has been handling the preparations, from finding the flat and furnishing it. Where we couldn’t find competitive prices, Facebook Marketplace has come in very handy. My mum used to say, “buy cheap buy twice”. That holds true today except that statement can be evolved to “Buy smart”. We’re still buying quality, just not from the shelves.

So Liza’s been running back and forth like a courier. I’ve mostly been the muscle, carrying stuff in or out. I used Airtasker to get most of the flatpacks built as I still have to work and don’t have as much downtime.

Last week, a cross-country ‘man and van’ dropped off your grandparents’ belongings. His mouth was full of gaps and the stained teeth remaining didn’t look like they’d make the road trip back to Latvia. The poor guy could barely handle the up and down to the first floor. He was that ~~obese~~ big and breathing very heavily. So despite paying for delivery into the flat, I felt the need to help him and ended up carrying nearly half of it. Afterwards, I texted Liza with, “Whatever you do in life, do not be obese“.

Shit! Is that the time? Brb.

– 3:08 pm

The thought of going back to work has at times reduced your mother to tears. She’s just about coming to terms with not seeing you for most working days. I’ve tried to reassure her you’d literally be a couple of minutes walk down the road. Her head understands but her heart doesn’t. It’s just one of those things. A thing only another mother can grasp.

What’s up with you since the last post? For one, we can no longer leave you unattended on anything high without protective edges ’cause you can roll over. You’re also banging on everything now. Anything close enough to reach gets slammed. I don’t know if it’s the sound driving your curiosity.

You had some sweet potatoes yesterday. Let’s just say solids are still not your thing. What little you ate was vomited throughout the day. Well done. Or as your mother has been saying (in Russian), “molodets”. It sounds like /mala-di-etes/. This is sarcasm by the way.

We’ve had some difficult nights getting you to sleep. We think it’s your gums. Grow some bloody teeth already. We’ve been massaging your gums with a Bonjela teething gel. It seems to be working. Nowadays, you go to bed at 7 pm, Liza feeds you around 10:30 or 11 and down for the night. There’s usually a scream in between and a cry for a dummy. That settles you to about four or five before you become ~~a whingy little bitch~~ aggy again. We try to keep you relaxed till about 7 am when I tend to feed you.

So yeah, weaning, banging, chewing, rolling and your grandparents are here on Sunday. Dassit.

It’s not a wrap

Posted on February 12, 2023February 12, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 7:03 am

Yesterday we ~~wasted~~ gave you an omelette. Your reaction was a slight positive deviation from the broccoli encounter. Not as much gagging but gagging all the same. Swallowing is still a foreign concept to you.

That said once I mashed bits into your mouth, you were able to swallow them. We gave you water in between to ensure you’d properly swallowed. The last time we fed you solids, I could barely finish saying, “it looks like he might be chok…”, and Liza had given you two giant slaps on your back. I’m surprised it didn’t break. You screamed, of course. We don’t want that happening again now, do we? Didn’t think so.

So in all, small progress but progress nonetheless. Baby steps I guess. At least now we know you’re not allergic. The rest of the omelette is cling-filmed into the fridge. We’ll be back.

Also, through word of mouth, Liza recommended Solid Starts which I’ll be using to manage what foods we give you. It’s a pretty neat resource (and I love a good app). Another thing she quoted was, “babies need their feet to eat” and having free-floating legs would make that harder. I found a backing article. Come to think of it, I don’t think there’s an African dish you can eat with your feet dangling. They require a firm and rigid posture. The lot of them. So I’ve introduced a stool under your highchair.

You’re currently on the floor putting in rolling miles as I type. This is how it goes now… We put you down, blink and you’re at the other end of the room. I can’t imagine the wreckage and destruction to come in a few months.

Unfortunately, rolling implies the end of swaddling. And gosh are we finding out just how hard it is for you to sleep unswaddled. Last night was a mare! We tried to get you to sleep in the bigger bed (you inherited from Kostia and Ginta’s kids) but you weren’t having any of that shit. You can cry for hours, easily. We got another reminder.

In the end, we had to bring you into bed with us. You are still quite jittery and don’t have full control of your arms (and legs). So you wake yourself up ~~half~~ most of the time. And it’s waterworks not long after. There’s also something about needing to be held to sleep. This isn’t uncommon.

Either way though, no more swaddles for you. In fact, I’m thinking of hiding or getting rid of them completely. You can’t be tempted by something you don’t have.

I’ve since put you in a sleeping bag and into the prison-cell-size Moses basket. This thing is definitely too small for you. That and the Snuzpod. They’ll be on Facebook Marketplace soon enough after you’ve mastered the art of sleeping without a swaddle. For now, you’re out cold. Your mother is upstairs trying to make up the sleep time she lost and I’ve got football this morning. It’s my first time back playing ~~in mud~~ on grass since the leg break. Wish me fucking luck!

A level playing field

Posted on February 22, 2023February 22, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 11:37 am

We visited Maalouf the other day. You are 70cm tall and ~9.2kg. All good. I was reading his onscreen notes and noticed this word… one sec, let me google it… Brachycephaly. It’s the medical term for your flat (back) head. He assured us it’s completely normal and your head shape should readjust over time.

Interestingly, Liza’s dad has a plateaued backhead. So you might be unable to outgrow this one son, it’s in your blood. Just saying. Also, your head size is still in the 98 percentile within your age group.

In other news, your sleeping is still shit. You’re still struggling with nights post-swaddle. You have no clue what to do with your hands apart from using them to wake yourself up and into a hissy fit.

Leaving you to sleep in a room by yourself is impossible. I mean, it is but at the cost of rocking this entire building. We’ve tried. It wasn’t as catastrophic as the Turkish earthquakes, but close. So we’re easing you in. Your bedtime starts off in your bed in the other room and next to ours when you wake up screaming. The idea is to have you sleep there long term. We’ve sent our prayers upstairs and waiting for answers.

Despite inheriting my sleeping patterns, you’re still an ultra-smiley child. I don’t know what’s so funny. I want in on the joke and very much looking forward to hearing it.

Additionally, you’re super active and very much alive and kicking, kicking hard. I had to remove the stool from under your highchair serving as a footrest. That’s because you’re kicking down and backwards, so hard you could tip the chair over. Liza said she once had to catch you midflight. Let’s not flatten your head even further shall we not? Cool. But it turns out, this problem has been solved already and there’s a footrest designed for your chair. We bought a couple, one for each house. I gave your flathead grandad the other yesterday to mount on that chair.

Liza went into the office after her speech this morning. I too have to get back to work. It’s been a minute. Catch you later.

Back to back

Posted on March 10, 2023March 11, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 7:21 am

It’s your mother’s birthday today (your grandfather’s tomorrow). Liza and I just had a moment mimicking the sounds you make. If you ever hear the phrase “very gooo“, it originated from you. We were all at the table when you went “gooo” from your high chair. I replied with “very gooo“. Everyone laughed and it since stuck.

We were also supposed to be in Tenerife by now. En route to the airport yesterday, we checked and found out the flight was delayed by three or so hours. So we took the foot off the pedal, stopping by to charge the car etc etc

When we got to bag drop-offs around 8ish, British Airways refused to take them stating we still needed to be there as if there were no delays. They said we were late for our 9 am flight (that was still delayed and scheduled to leave at 11:45 am). This is when I normally come in before your mother kicks off on one.

After much back and forth, a very helpful Indian lady on the phone managed to reschedule the flight for today. She was equally perplexed at the absurdity of it all and why they won’t let us board. I came to the conclusion they had oversold the flight, as they do.

I wonder what would’ve happened if we had no bags to drop off. We had already checked in from the day before and could’ve simply walked through to security and to the flight. That’s what we’re doing today. We’ve downsized to hand luggage only. Oh, that flight didn’t leave until after 1 pm. Well done BA.

I also managed to re-align with the hotel to get everything back on track including a taxi pick-up from the airport. They’ll rightfully still bill me for the night we never spent there.

You are probably ~~still asleep~~ awake by now, at your grandparent’s round the corner. They’ll have you till Sunday when we fly back in. This’ll be the first time we’ll spend that much time apart. We considered taking you with us but honestly, it sounded like way too much trouble for a few days. Just the amount of packing and logistical arrangements to make go up significantly with a baby. Some hotels don’t even allow babies. So things can get very tedious very easily. The ‘what if’ scenarios can be endless. What if there’s a medical emergency?

Imagine trying to handle yesterday at the airport with you to care for. We were standing at a ticket kiosk trying to find any flight out, Liza was on the phone to the hotel while I was on one with BA. Throwing you into that mix while trying to sync three different conversations into a single workable outcome would’ve been a lot and unnecessary.

Anyway, I better shoot now (before I miss the flight, again). See you shortly BA.

– 11:55 am

We’re at the airport and pass security. I think WFH for so long as has made me intolerant to noise. It’s extremely loud and busy here. Airpods definitely help though. I also have an appointment when we get back to get some custom earplugs (primarily for sleeping).

Speaking of sleeping, you’re still no good at it. Either that or we’re not feeding you enough to carry you through the night. Your grandparents reported feeding you 210ml at 11, 2 and 6 am this morning. That’s a lot of milk. So perhaps we need to give you even more (heavier) solids. Milk clearly isn’t doing shit to you.

Interestingly though, Liza said your sleeping patterns are consistent with those during her pregnancy. You kicked and fussed at night and slept during the earlier hours of the day. So I guess there is that to consider. Nevertheless, we need to do something to get you to take the night for what it is. A time to sleep.

Your mother had pancakes at Wondertree and we waited for our gate to open at the No 1 Lounge. I don’t know what’s so “number one” about it. We’re waiting to board. The flight is delayed. Shock!

My knee hurts (from the accident). I had surgery on Monday to get the screws in there removed as I found certain gestures restrictive and painful. The ones in my ankle are fine. I am however dealing with the short term effects of that. I am currently wearing knee-high compression stockings to prevent any blood clots.

I think we can board. Time to go. Love you, miss you already and speak soon.