This day today

Posted on January 13, 2023January 15, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 3:38 pm

Lyn is calling me… I know the conversation she wants (and has) to have but I can’t handle it now so I won’t answer. I’ll message her later.

Two years ago, your grandmother passed away. I thought it’d been twelve months, at most. Thinking about it, in retrospect, that’s clearly impossible with everything that has happened in between. But somehow it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. Where the time went I have no idea. It sure waits for no one. Nevertheless, nothing’s changed. I know the pain and handle it a lot better. What I still feel is her absence, in full effect.

These text messages I’m getting are triggering me, so I’m ignoring them for the time being. The only way I can hold it together is not to engage. Liza asked how I was doing and I said I couldn’t talk about it. I have to manage today in my own way, in a way that is a preservation of self.

One thing I know for sure though is my mother loved celebrating life. Whenever she could, she would.

This is a picture of you I took earlier today. Smiles and laughter to us were a celebration of life.

Every time I reminisced about happier times, I had my teeth on display and belly cramps, nearly choking at something funny. This photo is that. Your grandmother was the same. She’d laugh herself to tears.

When you lose the person most dear to you, you become numb and immune to a lot of things. Very little can kill you. Since she passed, I’ve become very comfortable with death. I don’t fear it, or anyone for that matter. My love for you is now the only thing that could possibly kill me. Nothing else really matters to that degree. I hope I can show you enough of it to help you succeed in life.

PS – You should know what I feel for you is weightless compared to that of your mother. It’s incomparable. I couldn’t save her if something ever happened to you. She couldn’t save herself.

Winter on the beach

Posted on January 15, 2023January 15, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 8:41 am

We’ve hung out a little bit this morning since you woke up. You’ve just been fed and diaper-changed. I can hear you in the living room mumbling and talking away doing the happy baby. The obsession with your feet hasn’t dwindled a bit. Not yet. You are also certainly more aware of your surroundings and have a quickly-evolving personality. The sounds you make are a bit more complex now. Those have changed for sure. Your vocabulary is expanding.

You’ve met Ginta and Kostia before, several times now. I inherited their friendship from your mother. We went to theirs for waffles and tea yesterday. Despite the loud chatter, you slept for three-quarters of it, only waking up towards the end to eat and chill. Your timing was spot on.

I noticed Liza was teary-eyed when changing you later that evening back at home. She was sad at the thought of going back to work and not spending as much time with you. I reassured her you’d be 5mins away with your grandparents, whom we’re moving from Latvia to help with childcare. It costs less to rent than to pay for a nanny. Besides, who else would give you more love than your willing grandparents? It’ll also make us quite flexible and not as time-strict as with a random helper. Everybody wins. It was a no-brainer in the end. But that’s only the logical side of it, emotionally, she’s upset. I understand her. “I didn’t think it’ll be this difficult” are her words. She’s still asleep but I’m just sending her this article to read and hopefully get something valuable out of it.

We visited the beach in Jurmala while in Latvia. I managed to get some drone footage with the Mavic 3 Cine. That’s you in the stroller in the opening scenes. It’s also quite possibly the day you caught a cold.

PS – We’re going to start feeding you solids from today…

WTF are you feeding me!?

Posted on January 19, 2023January 19, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 9:05 am

Right. Your weaning process has kicked off. We’re using the first 30 days from “how to wean your baby“ as a guide. So on Sunday, we gave you some steamed broccoli. I honestly cannot watch this video without bursting.

^{Seriously? You people eat this shit?}

Since then you’ve had courgettes and yesterday, avocado. The avo went down a bit better but your overall attitude towards solid food is “Fuck that!”.

I sent the video to your uncle T and he replied with an audio clip. His laughter is super addictive. I’ve replayed this so many times.

You’re still licking and chewing everything, and I do mean everything. Carton boxes are no exception.

Liza’s colleague Jelena – I think that’s how you spell her name – was here for a couple of days. She left this morning. When we visited Rovinj in Croatia, she gave us what turned out to be a great list of where to eat. It’s been the best food I ever had alive. From honestly priced, modest to expensive, everything was… woof! Most restaurants there only cook with local produce so it’s all super fresh. At least that was the case at the ones we visited. And your food is only as good as your ingredients.

The only other place that comes close from recent memory is Chiltern Firehouse. But it’s not cheap. We went there for Rozalia’s birthday. You were tiny then.

Anyway, she’s here for work and has been Liza’s maternity cover. They’ve both gone into the office for meetings. I think yesterday was the first time your mother has been away from you for that long. She did not like it at all.

Sorting out childcare

Posted on February 1, 2023February 1, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 8:11 am

It’s been a busy couple of weeks, for your mother especially. From what we’ve worked out, the cost of childcare in our area is more or less equivalent to renting a two-bedroom flat. Nurseries are making a killing. The average childcare costs in the UK are… Wow! I don’t know how families are balancing this act.

So we decided to rent a two-bed instead… And move your grandparents closer to us. They’re super thrilled and very much looking forward to raising and spending more time with you. It beats putting you in the hands of strangers that’s for sure. Not only strangers but strangers on a clock. Our approach makes us way more flexible, especially with Liza’s working hours. Everyone wins.

Besides, it’s culture for us. Liza was raised by her grandparents and I spent a lot of time with my maternal grandmother. So the cycle is repeating itself with you.

For the most part, Liza has been handling the preparations, from finding the flat and furnishing it. Where we couldn’t find competitive prices, Facebook Marketplace has come in very handy. My mum used to say, “buy cheap buy twice”. That holds true today except that statement can be evolved to “Buy smart”. We’re still buying quality, just not from the shelves.

So Liza’s been running back and forth like a courier. I’ve mostly been the muscle, carrying stuff in or out. I used Airtasker to get most of the flatpacks built as I still have to work and don’t have as much downtime.

Last week, a cross-country ‘man and van’ dropped off your grandparents’ belongings. His mouth was full of gaps and the stained teeth remaining didn’t look like they’d make the road trip back to Latvia. The poor guy could barely handle the up and down to the first floor. He was that ~~obese~~ big and breathing very heavily. So despite paying for delivery into the flat, I felt the need to help him and ended up carrying nearly half of it. Afterwards, I texted Liza with, “Whatever you do in life, do not be obese“.

Shit! Is that the time? Brb.

– 3:08 pm

The thought of going back to work has at times reduced your mother to tears. She’s just about coming to terms with not seeing you for most working days. I’ve tried to reassure her you’d literally be a couple of minutes walk down the road. Her head understands but her heart doesn’t. It’s just one of those things. A thing only another mother can grasp.

What’s up with you since the last post? For one, we can no longer leave you unattended on anything high without protective edges ’cause you can roll over. You’re also banging on everything now. Anything close enough to reach gets slammed. I don’t know if it’s the sound driving your curiosity.

You had some sweet potatoes yesterday. Let’s just say solids are still not your thing. What little you ate was vomited throughout the day. Well done. Or as your mother has been saying (in Russian), “molodets”. It sounds like /mala-di-etes/. This is sarcasm by the way.

We’ve had some difficult nights getting you to sleep. We think it’s your gums. Grow some bloody teeth already. We’ve been massaging your gums with a Bonjela teething gel. It seems to be working. Nowadays, you go to bed at 7 pm, Liza feeds you around 10:30 or 11 and down for the night. There’s usually a scream in between and a cry for a dummy. That settles you to about four or five before you become ~~a whingy little bitch~~ aggy again. We try to keep you relaxed till about 7 am when I tend to feed you.

So yeah, weaning, banging, chewing, rolling and your grandparents are here on Sunday. Dassit.

It’s not a wrap

Posted on February 12, 2023February 12, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 7:03 am

Yesterday we ~~wasted~~ gave you an omelette. Your reaction was a slight positive deviation from the broccoli encounter. Not as much gagging but gagging all the same. Swallowing is still a foreign concept to you.

That said once I mashed bits into your mouth, you were able to swallow them. We gave you water in between to ensure you’d properly swallowed. The last time we fed you solids, I could barely finish saying, “it looks like he might be chok…”, and Liza had given you two giant slaps on your back. I’m surprised it didn’t break. You screamed, of course. We don’t want that happening again now, do we? Didn’t think so.

So in all, small progress but progress nonetheless. Baby steps I guess. At least now we know you’re not allergic. The rest of the omelette is cling-filmed into the fridge. We’ll be back.

Also, through word of mouth, Liza recommended Solid Starts which I’ll be using to manage what foods we give you. It’s a pretty neat resource (and I love a good app). Another thing she quoted was, “babies need their feet to eat” and having free-floating legs would make that harder. I found a backing article. Come to think of it, I don’t think there’s an African dish you can eat with your feet dangling. They require a firm and rigid posture. The lot of them. So I’ve introduced a stool under your highchair.

You’re currently on the floor putting in rolling miles as I type. This is how it goes now… We put you down, blink and you’re at the other end of the room. I can’t imagine the wreckage and destruction to come in a few months.

Unfortunately, rolling implies the end of swaddling. And gosh are we finding out just how hard it is for you to sleep unswaddled. Last night was a mare! We tried to get you to sleep in the bigger bed (you inherited from Kostia and Ginta’s kids) but you weren’t having any of that shit. You can cry for hours, easily. We got another reminder.

In the end, we had to bring you into bed with us. You are still quite jittery and don’t have full control of your arms (and legs). So you wake yourself up ~~half~~ most of the time. And it’s waterworks not long after. There’s also something about needing to be held to sleep. This isn’t uncommon.

Either way though, no more swaddles for you. In fact, I’m thinking of hiding or getting rid of them completely. You can’t be tempted by something you don’t have.

I’ve since put you in a sleeping bag and into the prison-cell-size Moses basket. This thing is definitely too small for you. That and the Snuzpod. They’ll be on Facebook Marketplace soon enough after you’ve mastered the art of sleeping without a swaddle. For now, you’re out cold. Your mother is upstairs trying to make up the sleep time she lost and I’ve got football this morning. It’s my first time back playing ~~in mud~~ on grass since the leg break. Wish me fucking luck!

A level playing field

Posted on February 22, 2023February 22, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 11:37 am

We visited Maalouf the other day. You are 70cm tall and ~9.2kg. All good. I was reading his onscreen notes and noticed this word… one sec, let me google it… Brachycephaly. It’s the medical term for your flat (back) head. He assured us it’s completely normal and your head shape should readjust over time.

Interestingly, Liza’s dad has a plateaued backhead. So you might be unable to outgrow this one son, it’s in your blood. Just saying. Also, your head size is still in the 98 percentile within your age group.

In other news, your sleeping is still shit. You’re still struggling with nights post-swaddle. You have no clue what to do with your hands apart from using them to wake yourself up and into a hissy fit.

Leaving you to sleep in a room by yourself is impossible. I mean, it is but at the cost of rocking this entire building. We’ve tried. It wasn’t as catastrophic as the Turkish earthquakes, but close. So we’re easing you in. Your bedtime starts off in your bed in the other room and next to ours when you wake up screaming. The idea is to have you sleep there long term. We’ve sent our prayers upstairs and waiting for answers.

Despite inheriting my sleeping patterns, you’re still an ultra-smiley child. I don’t know what’s so funny. I want in on the joke and very much looking forward to hearing it.

Additionally, you’re super active and very much alive and kicking, kicking hard. I had to remove the stool from under your highchair serving as a footrest. That’s because you’re kicking down and backwards, so hard you could tip the chair over. Liza said she once had to catch you midflight. Let’s not flatten your head even further shall we not? Cool. But it turns out, this problem has been solved already and there’s a footrest designed for your chair. We bought a couple, one for each house. I gave your flathead grandad the other yesterday to mount on that chair.

Liza went into the office after her speech this morning. I too have to get back to work. It’s been a minute. Catch you later.

Back to back

Posted on March 10, 2023March 11, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 7:21 am

It’s your mother’s birthday today (your grandfather’s tomorrow). Liza and I just had a moment mimicking the sounds you make. If you ever hear the phrase “very gooo“, it originated from you. We were all at the table when you went “gooo” from your high chair. I replied with “very gooo“. Everyone laughed and it since stuck.

We were also supposed to be in Tenerife by now. En route to the airport yesterday, we checked and found out the flight was delayed by three or so hours. So we took the foot off the pedal, stopping by to charge the car etc etc

When we got to bag drop-offs around 8ish, British Airways refused to take them stating we still needed to be there as if there were no delays. They said we were late for our 9 am flight (that was still delayed and scheduled to leave at 11:45 am). This is when I normally come in before your mother kicks off on one.

After much back and forth, a very helpful Indian lady on the phone managed to reschedule the flight for today. She was equally perplexed at the absurdity of it all and why they won’t let us board. I came to the conclusion they had oversold the flight, as they do.

I wonder what would’ve happened if we had no bags to drop off. We had already checked in from the day before and could’ve simply walked through to security and to the flight. That’s what we’re doing today. We’ve downsized to hand luggage only. Oh, that flight didn’t leave until after 1 pm. Well done BA.

I also managed to re-align with the hotel to get everything back on track including a taxi pick-up from the airport. They’ll rightfully still bill me for the night we never spent there.

You are probably ~~still asleep~~ awake by now, at your grandparent’s round the corner. They’ll have you till Sunday when we fly back in. This’ll be the first time we’ll spend that much time apart. We considered taking you with us but honestly, it sounded like way too much trouble for a few days. Just the amount of packing and logistical arrangements to make go up significantly with a baby. Some hotels don’t even allow babies. So things can get very tedious very easily. The ‘what if’ scenarios can be endless. What if there’s a medical emergency?

Imagine trying to handle yesterday at the airport with you to care for. We were standing at a ticket kiosk trying to find any flight out, Liza was on the phone to the hotel while I was on one with BA. Throwing you into that mix while trying to sync three different conversations into a single workable outcome would’ve been a lot and unnecessary.

Anyway, I better shoot now (before I miss the flight, again). See you shortly BA.

– 11:55 am

We’re at the airport and pass security. I think WFH for so long as has made me intolerant to noise. It’s extremely loud and busy here. Airpods definitely help though. I also have an appointment when we get back to get some custom earplugs (primarily for sleeping).

Speaking of sleeping, you’re still no good at it. Either that or we’re not feeding you enough to carry you through the night. Your grandparents reported feeding you 210ml at 11, 2 and 6 am this morning. That’s a lot of milk. So perhaps we need to give you even more (heavier) solids. Milk clearly isn’t doing shit to you.

Interestingly though, Liza said your sleeping patterns are consistent with those during her pregnancy. You kicked and fussed at night and slept during the earlier hours of the day. So I guess there is that to consider. Nevertheless, we need to do something to get you to take the night for what it is. A time to sleep.

Your mother had pancakes at Wondertree and we waited for our gate to open at the No 1 Lounge. I don’t know what’s so “number one” about it. We’re waiting to board. The flight is delayed. Shock!

My knee hurts (from the accident). I had surgery on Monday to get the screws in there removed as I found certain gestures restrictive and painful. The ones in my ankle are fine. I am however dealing with the short term effects of that. I am currently wearing knee-high compression stockings to prevent any blood clots.

I think we can board. Time to go. Love you, miss you already and speak soon.

The mother that she is…

Posted on March 19, 2023March 19, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 2:55 pm

I got in not too long ago (from football). The pitch was horrendous. I’m surprised the ref allowed the game to be played given how bad the grounds were – mud, puddles, the perfect conditions for a serious injury. Thankfully there were none. I played for less than ten minutes and strolled around the entire time, trying to do as little as possible, happily. You could barely move (let alone run) given how much mud got stuck under your boots. Also, it was Jimmie’s first game back since his injury. He scored with his first touch of the ball. You can imagine how happy we were to witness that. We won the game 10-2.

You and your mother are out meeting “Kostia and fam” as she put it. In fact, she literally just sent a photo via Whatsapp.

Speaking of your mother, she’s an incredible person. She really is. If there’s one person you should be most grateful for, she is that person. She puts you above and beyond all else. You should tell her how much you love her every chance you get, including today which is Mother’s Day. She deserves it and unlike me, needs to hear it said. I’m more of a, “if you love me, show me, pay a bill or pick up the hoover, save the words”. But she on the other hand is content with a hug and hearing the words uttered sincerely. Those are her love languages.

We had a great few days in Tenerife, caught a bit of sun and had some exquisite food. M.B. and Kabuki were different but equally delectable.

We couldn’t believe how much you’d changed when we got back. It certainly looked like you’d grown years in three days. I wonder if I’d recognise you if I spent a week away.

Since then, you’ve started sitting up and stringing more syllables together, da-da, ba-ba etc. But not yet mama. I hope that’s the first meaningful word you direct at anyone. It would mean the world to her. Besides, I don’t need you to say “papa” to know I’m your dad.

Interestingly, your grandad thinks even though you can’t say these words, you recognise who papa and mama are and can link the word to the person. While he was babysitting you yesterday evening, you went off on one and couldn’t be consoled. Liza and her mum went to see a ballet in Covent Garden. He reports that he told you “we’re going to see papa” and that calmed you down until he eventually brought you over. I make nothing of it. Everyone thinks you’re really smart (for your age). In comparison to the other kids from the NCT group, it’s clear you’re more developed but I’m just happy for you to be a child and have no impositions to make.

You. Always.

Posted on March 25, 2023March 25, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 8:14 am

You’re currently at your grandparents down the road where you spent the night. As always, I’m curious how you slept. Your mother and I have to take shifts when you sleep at ours (which is most of the time). She does the first half and when you inevitably wake up in the middle of the night, she brings you down to me for the second half. It’s currently the only logical way to give either of us some sleep given we both have to work. Anywho…

The other day, Vanessa offered a mother’s card when I went round to move her sofa. The text was funny so I cheerfully accepted. I only gave it to your mother yesterday. I had an idea of how to personalise it but struggled to find what I needed for it. That’s until yesterday morning when you and I were hanging out. In the end, I used blue UV glow paint which I’d purchased as part of an idea for a video shoot. I smeared some under your foot and left a step on the card.

If you read my last post, you probably know how Liza felt about it. This is her type shit. So she loved it. She thought it was hilarious. You did well.

In other news, you’re doing well with solids. Last night, your mother made you a Scandi recipe of salmon, yoghurt, dill and I don’t know what else. You had no complaints when I fed it to you. Your face was even brighter sucking down the mango and papaya. Liza sent me a photo of you from your grandparents “devouring” corn on the cob. Enjoy lad. Enjoy.

8 months in

Posted on April 7, 2023April 7, 2023 by Kilian Ateh

– 10:49 am

Unsurprisingly, your grandad messaged me on the day to extend his love and greetings to the family. ~~I’m~~ We’re working on uniting you guys IRL. More on that soon.

As always we got some Crosstowns to mark the occasion.

At eight months, the most noticeable change is your sleeping habits. It’s the loudest because it affects us all in a major way. If you sleep better, we all sleep (and function) better. And thankfully, this past week, you’ve been on a run of solid 4-5 hour blocks of night sleep. We think it’s because the teething has eased up now that you have two big Bugs Bunny ones on your front lower jaw. So you are currently pain-free.

Nevertheless, your mother and I still take shifts even though you are nowhere near as troublesome or fidgety. She prefers the first half and I the second so it works out without a haggle.

Trying to distract you while your mother trims your nails

I’m going to use this checklist as a reference for what you’re up to these days (development-wise). Right. Solids. You’re still not big on those. Your mother makes all this healthy Michelin star shit and you’re like ‘Meh!’ after a teaspoon. I hope she doesn’t lose heart. But you currently have no interest unless it’s porridge or fruits i.e. sweet things. In your defence, I hated most veggies when I was younger so it’s probably not your fault.

The other day I tossed you an empty Aptamil container and it looked like you were crawling for it. So that seems to be on the horizon. You still much prefer handheld walking a lot more though so it’s most probable that you’ll skip the whole ‘on all fours’ thing. Just like your mum when she was your age. You’re so happy when walking.

I found a site that curates toys for kids based on their age group. We received the latest box yesterday. I have to admit, you are super engaged with these Montessori-style toys. It’s very impressive. We started you on a pack a month older than you are as you seem quite ahead in most aspects of the pack your age.

One sec, someone just rang the bell. I think it’s Amazon. Brb…

This morning I started moving delicate household items from shelves you can reach. Our house is not very child friendly at the moment. Lol. Nothing’s hinged and most units can be moved around quite freely. So I proposed and your mother agreed to stand one of the IKEA units and create a little toy section for you. It’s where we normally sit you anyway so the only change is these are all your books and toys.

Liza and I are also doing a deep clean to rid of anything you’ve outgrown (so this place doesn’t become a cemetery). There are two bin bags of things headed for the charity shop next to me. Hopefully, they make another infant happy.

Let’s see… I think that’s it. You’re currently out with Liza and her mum taking in the sun and nature (at Wisley Gardens). I have a bit to do here at home. We’ll talk soon.

My Dear Little Man

Category: 3 to 12 Months